God on a chat show (1)

Let’s imagine for a moment, that we could get God to tell us what his big picture is all about. We would have to tempt him somehow, set a trap for him, appeal to his huge ego. Let’s tell Mr. Nasty we want him to appear on the Celestial Celebrity chat show. We could lure him with the promise of hanging out with some teenage virgins: one or two who look a bit like little Mary of Nazareth should do the trick. We could put his adventures to him and see if he would reflect on them for us.

However, we are going to need some other guests as well – and who better than his favourite prophet: Moses. Maybe we should ask Abraham as well – after all, he was right there with God when they watched the massacre at the plains of Sodom and Gomorrah together.

We’ll need some top class hosts to keep the conversation flowing, maybe husband and wife team of Johnny and Jezebel Samson

Abraham is up first  on the sofa: and he does look more than just a touch nervous.

Jezebel: “It’s okay Abe, he’s in the green room; he doesn’t even know you’re here, they’ve got a sing-song going: all things bright and beautiful – all creatures great and small: he doesn’t seem to know the words but he’s stamping his feet and clapping along. Now I need you to be cool – you’re not on trial here – he is.”


Massacre at Sodom and Gomorrah

Abraham, can you recall having a conversation with God regarding a massacre he was going to commit at the plains of Sodom and Gomorrah?”

I sure as hell can.”

And can you confirm for us Abe; look there at the video link on the television: the old guy with the long white beard – him clapping his hands – is that him, is that God?”

Well, I don’t know; I’ve never actually seen God before, he was sort of – inside my head you see.”

But you did have a conversation with him?”

Oh Yeah, he said he was going to kill them all, even asked me if I wanted to watch.”

So, let me get this straight; if anyone had witnessed this conversation, they would only have seen you?”

Yeah, sounds crazy, doesn’t it, but like I said, he was inside my head.”

Jezebel looks at Johnny Samson and rolls her eyes: Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and gazes up at the ceiling. She takes the hint and presses on.

Did he say why he was going to kill them all?”

He said they were wicked, that they had sinned, and they all had to die. Now I didn’t think they could all be wicked; so I asked him if I could find fifty good people amongst them, would he spare them?”

And did you find any good people amongst them?”

Well, he sent the angels of the lord in to have a quick look round – but they could only find Lot and his wife, and their two daughters.”

Didn’t you think that was strange? After all there must have been thousands of innocent children and babies in there before the massacre: why didn’t he save them?”

I never dared to ask him. He just told Lot to head for the hills, shouted after them, something about not looking back. Then he pointed his finger at Sodom and Gomorrah and a hailstorm of explosions engulfed them and destroyed them.”

So, only four survived it then?”

Oh no, only three. Lot’s wife could hear all the screaming and impulsively turned her head to look back: God murdered her; turned her into a pillar of salt.”


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