“What became of Lot and his daughters?”
“They made their way to the hills and dwelt in a cave.” (Abraham looks nervously over at God in the green room and mumbles something).
“Speak up Abe, it’s okay, he can’t hear you,” says Johnny.
“Well, the story goes that his daughters made him drink wine, got him so pissed that he didn’t know what he was doing, and lay with him and took his seed; the elder one night and the younger the next.”
“Wow,” said Jezebel,” they fucked their own father, in other words – but why do I get the impression that you don’t really believe that Abe?”
“I don’t see how it’s possible, if he was so pissed that he didn’t know what was going on, well, he wouldn’t have been able to get it up, if you know what I mean.”
“Point taken,” said Jezebel looking at her husband. “I keep telling Johnny that but he doesn’t get it sometimes. So what do you think really happened?”
“I think that it was the other way round; I think Lot got his daughters pissed on wine and forced himself upon them. Biblical men were so horny, and women had no rights. They were only teenage virgins, why would they be so desperate as to want sex with their own father. They would have met young men eventually, surely they would have wanted to save themselves for their own husbands.”
“Do you think Lot was evil?”
“Looking back, I think he was as wicked as the others in Sodom and Gomorrah, I believe the angels of the Lord got it wrong.”
“When you were 99 years old, did God command you to hack the flesh away from the end of your penis?” asked Johnny.
“He did. I thought he had lost the plot, I was quite happy with my dick just the way it was,I’d sort of gotten used to having a foreskin to protect it. I even had to make sure that all the other males in my household had done it as well.”
“Did you ask him why?”
“Yes, he said it was sign of a covenant between us, so he could recognise his chosen people. I couldn’t see the point of it, he is supposed to be everywhere and able to read minds and the like; he must know who his chosen people are, surely he doesn’t need to go round checking for missing foreskins.”
“I know this is hard for you Abe,” said Jezebel, “but did he once order you to murder your own son, Isaac?
Abraham paused to take a sip of water before continuing. “Yes, it was to be a sacrifice to him; he wanted to test my devotion to him. Although, he must have known I would have done it; he is supposed to know everything.”
“Would you have done it?”
“Yes. I was terrified of him, I saw what he had done to Lot’s wife. I knew what he had done to people of Sodom and Gomorrah; and I had heard the old tales handed down by the shepherds about how he had drowned almost everyone in the great flood.”
“How did you find out about the old biblical tales Abe – did you read about them somewhere?”
“Well, the same way as everyone else did; my mother told me – and her mother told her.”
“And did you pass your story on, praising God?
“Yes, I took the old folk-tales of the Creation and of Adam and Eve and added my own story to it; praising God, in fear of him. I’m sorry I did now.”
“Johnny looks at Jezabel; “I guess that just about covers it then.”
“Yeah, let’s get Moses in here now. Thanks you for your testimony, you can go now Abraham, no more questions.”