God on a chat show (3)

So, what did you think of that Jez?” Johnny asked his wife.

Like he said, he was hearing voices; he was even willing to kill his own son. Do you think he was maybe schizophrenic,” she replied.

Well he seems to have all the symptoms – failure to distinguish what’s real, false beliefs and hallucinations,” said Johnny. “Anyway, let’s get our next guest out.”

Moses shuffles into the studio and sits down on the sofa next Jezebel. “Who is that guy in the green room? He sure likes the sound of his own voice – and man, he thinks he’s god’s gift to women.”

It’s okay Moses, just forget about him, would you like a drink – a glass of water – maybe something a little stronger,” asked Jezebel.

Water will be fine, I like to keep my wits about me; ready for any trick questions.”

Right then Moses: can you tell us about the very first time you met God?”

I can remember it like it was yesterday. One day while I was out tending sheep for my father-in-law, I came across a bush which burst into flames just as I approached it. Then to my utter astonishment – God called out to me from it’s midst.”

Did you see him?”


Okay then what did he say to you?”

He said that he saw the suffering of his people in Egypt, and he was ready to step in and lend a hand.”

Why, what were your people doing in Egypt? It’s not as if it was their land.”

There had been a great famine, which was sore in all the lands; but a wise man who was called Joseph had interpreted a dream of the Pharaoh and warned him of the coming famine.”

Ah yes,” interrupted Johnny. “Was this the guy who was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery?”

That’s him alright, but he was rewarded by the Pharaoh for expaining his dream to him.”

Can you tell us a bit more about the dream, I mean how did Pharaoh find out that Joseph could read dreams?” asked Jezebel.

Let’s see then; when Joseph first arrived he had been sold to a captain of the guard, and he worked in his household. However, the man’s wife got the hots for Joseph. When they were alone in the house, she said to him – come, lie with me and fuck me! Joseph panicked and fled. The temptress was furious and desperate for revenge. She told her husband that Joseph had tried to lie with her. So the captain’s wrath was kindled and Joseph was hunted down and captured, and thrown in prison to rot.” Moses paused to drink some water.

Wow Moses, that’s some tale,” said Jezebel. “How did he ever manage to get out of there?”

The Lord was with him, that’s why. You see he had company in prison in the form of the Pharaoh’s butler and his baker, and they each dream a dream. And Joseph interprets them for them. And the butler had a good reading; but he told the baker – within three days shall Pharaoh lift thy up thy head from off thee, and shall hang thee on a tree, and the birds shall eat thy flesh from off thee.”

Wow,” said Jezebel again, her eyes widening. “That was nice of Joseph to break it so gently to him.”

It came to pass,” continued Moses, “at the end of two full years that he had been in prison; Pharaoh himself had a dream. It was about seven fat cattle being devoured by seven thin cattle, and seven thin ears of corn and seven fat ears of corn. It troubled Pharaoh, but none of his wise men could interpret it for him. That’s when the butler whispered in the Pharaoh’s ear about Joseph. And so he sent for him, and Joseph told him of the coming famine; told him to put plenty of grain aside in good years to prepare for the times of hunger. And Pharaoh did what Joseph had told him and there was indeed a famine. He was so impressed with Joseph that he made him his right hand man.”

Seems he was a cool dude this Pharaoh,” said Johnny.

He was, and he even allowed Joseph to get his father Jacob, bring the rest of the tribe down into Egypt, he gave them the pick of the land to dwell in. And the children of Israel were fruitful, and increased abundantly and multiplied and waxed exceedingly and the land was filled with them.”

So he took them in as refugees then. But I’m guessing that they all didn’t live happily ever after,” suggested Jezebel.

No, Pharaoh died, and the new guy had a different take on things. The economy was booming; and in order to maximize the share price; Pharaoh introduced zero-hours contracts and lowered the minimum wage. But we were a resilient people and still we multiplied and grew. The Egyptians were worried about our population growth and the nasty Pharaoh came up with a plan: throw the baby boys in the river.”

Didn’t you yourself end up in the river Moses?”

That’s right: my mother made me an ark of bulrushes and hid me in the plants at the water’s edge. Pharaoh’s daughter came along with her handmaidens and found me. She took compassion on me and took me into her own home and raised me in the royal household.”

So you were raised as an Egyptian,” said Johnny. “But when you were a young man you were forced to flee, weren’t you.”

I saw and Egyptian slave-master beating a Hebrew. I guess I lost the plot and killed the bastard; could have been with a rock but I’m not sure – it was a long time ago.”

Wow,” said Jezebel, “you’ve sure had an interesting life.


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