God on a chat show (4)

“So Moses,” said Johnny, “did you think that the tribe were going to believe you when you  told them that God had spoken to you from the midst of a burning bush?”

“Believe me! There was no way that they would have believed me; do you think they were simple?”

“So what did you do then?”

“Well I told God that they would think I was taking the piss: he would have to show me some tricks that I could use to convince them – and he did, he was good at tricks; he loved showing off. He said to me: what’s that in your hand? I thought there was nothing in my hand, but there was; a rod. Cast it on the ground says he, and I did: it turned into a serpent – I almost shit myself. Grab it’s tail, says he, well I couldn’t refuse: it turned back into a rod.”

“Wow, scary,” said Jezebel.

“There’s more, he told me to stick my hand into my bosom, when I did it turned leprous as snow. God was pissing himself by now, but I’m fucked if I could see what was so funny. Stick it back inside thy bosom he said, and when I did I was glad to see it had returned to normal. I’d had enough of his tricks by now but he was on a roll, there was no stopping him now. If they still don’t believe you, he said, take some water from the river and pour it upon the dry land – and the water shall become as blood upon the land, that should clinch for you Moses.”

“And did you show them the tricks?”

“No, I went and angered him, I told him that I wasn’t very good at tricks. He shouted at me and told me if I wasn’t up to it to get Aaron the Levite to help me do it.”

“So did Aaron help you?”

“Yes he was up for it, and then God sent us down to see Pharaoh. He commanded Aaron to cast his rod down before Pharaoh and his servants. It turned into a serpent. Pharaoh not to be outdone had his magicians cast down their rods also, and they also became serpents. But Aaron’s rod swallowed their rods up.”

“So did Pharaoh then let the tribe go?”

“No, I think he might have, but God had hardened his heart so that he couldn’t, I must admit I thought that a bit mean – but I guess it’s just his strange sense of humour.”

“Was this to be the start of his plagues against the Egyptian people?” said Johnny

“God told us to meet Pharaoh in the morning at the river. Aaron stretched his rod over the waters and they turned to blood and all the fish died. God they stank. Then he had us cast the rod over all the waters of Egypt and all their pools and vessels turned to blood.”

“Surely that must have done the trick, Pharaoh must have been ready to let you go by now.”

“I told you his heart was hardened. Next God sent a plague of frogs up from the river, they were everywhere. The land was covered with them. They were in their houses, in their beds and in their ovens and in their kneading troughs. Aaron and I told Pharaoh we would ask God to take them away. He did, he killed them all and the land fucking stank.”

“He must have made him let you go then, even God must have thought that the joke was wearing a bit thin.”

“No, he was just warming up. There was still time for a plague of lice then flies. The God got me and Aaron to sprinkle some ashes towards the heavens in front of Pharaoh – then a plague of boils broke forth upon the Egyptians; man, woman and beast.”

“Let me guess,” said Jezebel, “he still wouldn’t let you go.”

“Oh no! God then instructed me to stretch my rod again towards the heavens, and then he sent thunder and hail and fire ran along the ground. And the hail smote all of the land of Egypt, all that was in the field, man and beast and herb. and before you ask, no he didn’t let us go: there was worse to come. God sent the locusts to devour all of the herb that was left and then he sent a strong west wind to cast them into the Red sea.”

“Jezebel held her head in her hands, “please tell me Moses, God allowed Pharaoh to let you go now.”

Moses looked at her and shook his head. “Oh no, he had me stretch my hand towards heaven and there was darkness for three days, and no, don’t ask. Then he got me to tell the tribe to borrow from their Egyptian neighbours; gold and silver and precious jewels. Then we were to feast upon unblemished lamb and daub it’s blood on the lintels above our doors as a sign to God so he would know us. At midnight the angel of the lord went out into the midst of Egypt and killed the first-born of every family throughout the land, even the first-born of the beasts. The houses with the blood were a token for the Lord and he passed over us.”

“What a bastard,” yelled Jezebel.





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