Monthly Archives: January 2016

Biblical men

You’ve got to hand it to those biblical men; they sure knew how to treat their women. Take Jacob for example:
His father Isaac told him the best women were to be found down in Padan-aram. And Jacob went there and took a shine to Rachel, the daughter of Laban, who was his mother’s brother; in other words his own cousin. Now Jacob had to labour seven years for uncle Laban to earn Rachel’s hand.
And when the time was up he said unto Laban: bring me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, so that I may go in unto her! Wow, imagine telling your prospective father-in -law that today – bring me your daughter – I want to mount her!
And Laban brought all the men for the feast. And it came to pass that in the evening he tricked Jacob and brought Leah, the eldest daughter. And it came to pass that in the morning ; behold Jacob saw that he had spent the night with the wrong sister. Well, easy mistake to make, we’ve all been there – especially after a few shots. When he confronted Laban he was told it wasn’t the custom to give the younger before the first-born. What a bastard. Never mind, don’t take it personally Laban told Jacob, just serve another seven years and you can have them both: and he did.
Now Jacob loved Rachel more than his other wife; problem was no matter how much he tried he couldn’t get her pregnant. So he went in unto Leah instead and she bore him a son, then another, then another, then another, until she too was barren.
Rachel was heartbroken and said unto Jacob, give me children or else I die. Jacob was furious with her and told it was all her fault that both his wives were barren. Then Rachel found a solution that Jacob liked very much. Behold my maid, Bilhah, why don’t you go in unto her for children. And he didn’t need to be asked twice, nor did he need Bilhah’s permission. And she bare him a son, then another. And then from Leah, he took her maid, Zilpah, and yes, she bare him a son, and then another.
And then we are told that the Lord hearkened unto Leah and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare him a son, and then another, and then a daughter. And the Lord remembered Rachel and opened her womb, and Jacob went in unto her, and she conceived a son; Joseph (he of coat of many colours fame and interpreter of dreams).
I
sn’t it obvious that the wives of these biblical men weren’t barren, women don’t just conceive by command. If they had shown more patience their wives would have conceived eventually. Seems to me they knew a good thing when they saw it: they awarded themselves a license to fornicate. These were the days when men were men, and hand-maidens were nervous.
They didn’t have far to look for man’s justification for their domination over women. Because it’s there for all to follow at the very beginning of the bible. Adam was specifically ordered by his God not to eat from the tree of knowledge, before Eve had even been brought to life. But when he did, the blame was very quickly passed onto Eve. She had been tempted by a walking talking snake no less. The snake was condemned to slither on it’s belly for evermore. God told Eve: I will multiply thy sorrow and conception, and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Adam got away with a slap on the wrist. Eve found out early in the great scam: it’s a man’s world.

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British arms trade

Great news for the economy; British arms companies exports to Saudi Arabia have rocketed by 11,000 per cent in the last three months. We have sold £1billion worth of bombs to the ideological home of Isis. Thanks to us the Saudis can now bomb the Houthi rebels in Yemen much more efficiently in the unending Islamic civil war.  A government spokesman said, “our bombs are only sold to those who will drop them on nasty bastards.” (or something like that)
Meanwhile the shareholders must be rubbing their hands in glee.

War on grandmothers

Has David Cameron been taking advice from Donald Trump on how to alienate people?
He has identified a sinister threat to our way of life – Jihadi grannies. We shall all be able to sleep more soundly at night, knowing that soon any Muslim grandmother unable to get her head around the complexities of the English language, will be carried kicking and screaming onto a plane and parachuted back to whence she came.
This should really help to focus the mind of any grandsons struggling to come to terms with on-line radicalisation.

Biblical Prophecy

 

Just been browsing through my bible and I’ve been taking a look at some prophecies. And they really aren’t exactly earth-shattering. They mainly concern tribal genocide and end times or the first or second coming of the Messiah. Then there’s the one in Matthew 28 about Jesus arriving on an ass: but only in order to fulfil an older prophecy – but that’s cheating because he knew all about it and made it happen deliberately.
Why aren’t there any real prophecies, such as: man will one day have a space station in orbit around the earth? Or about leaving the planet behind altogether and landing on the moon? That must have been his plan for us: to understand science and push the boundaries a bit. He must want some intellectual company in heaven to converse with, to discuss nuclear physics and exploding stars and distant nebulae. He won’t want to be bored to death by grovelling followers raving on about oxen for eternity will he?
But just where was he when the Eagle landed and Neil Armstrong stepped down? God should have been there to congratulate him on behalf of mankind; he should have been waiting with the champagne and cigars. I suppose he must have been off sulking somewhere along with his son and the holy spirit.

 

God on a chat show (5)

“Did he now let you go?” enquired Johnny.

“In the morning there was a great cry throughout the land for there wasn’t a household where there was not one dead. Pharaoh sent for us and told us to pack up our things and go. God told us not to forget to collect the Egyptians jewels and gold before we left. Then he led us out of through the wilderness and out of the land of Egypt.”

“What! you saw him then?” Continue reading