God on a chat show (6)

“The tribe were partying and the Lord was incandescent with rage, in fact he was going to kill them all. I had to talk him out of it. I asked him what was the point of leading them out of the land of Egypt only to slay them – give them another chance.”
“Are you serious Moses,” asked Jezebel. “You gave God advice, and he listened to you?”

“He did, then he told me to go and sort them out. When I got down the mount I was so angry that I smashed the stones that God had given me.”

“Well if you smashed the commandments before reading them to the tribe they wouldn’t have known they were doing anything wrong. They probably thought adultery was cool, it was a party after all.”

“Maybe, but they shouldn’t have made a golden calf.”

“But surely that was no reason to kill three thousand of them?”

“The bastards had it coming, God’s voice in my head told me to gather the sons of Levi together and go throughout the camp and slay his enemies.”

“You know Moses,” interrupted Johnny, “I am seriously worried about your sanity here. You have only just told us that you pleaded with God not to kill them, but here you are up to your knees in blood. What about Aaron, he made the golden calf after, yet he went unpunished?”

“God had other plans for him, he was to become our High Priest.”

“Tell us about the man you found gathering sticks on the Sabbath,” asked Jezebel.

“The tribe found him in the wilderness, they couldn’t believe it; the bastard was blatantly collecting firewood, he was defying God’s laws. When they brought him to us, Aaron and I didn’t know what to do, so I asked God.”

“And what did he say?”

“The Lord told me to stone him to death.”

“And how did he pass on this message?”

“He whispered in my ear.”

“What was the man’s name?”

“His name! I didn’t ask his name, he was a criminal.”

“Did you even know anything about him? You left his children without a father, his wife could have been ill; he could have been a complete retard who didn’t understand he was breaking any laws.”

“Jezebel, when the Lord says kill, you kill.”

“It’s says here in your book, Numbers chapter 31; that your soldiers annihilated the Midianites, they completely destroyed them and brought back all of their cattle and all of their goods as spoils of war. However they also brought back their women and children as prisoners. But you weren’t happy, were you Moses? These are your own words:
Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who have known man by lying with him. But all the woman children that have not known man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.
Why did you kill the mothers and their sons?

“They were Midian whores, they had been seducing our men and leading them astray, tempting them to their gods instead of our good merciful Lord.”

“It says here Moses,” said Johnny, “that there were 32,000 virgin girls who survived, so how many mothers and sons and brothers did your brave men massacre. I mean there was no contraception in those days, they had large families: the final count must have been over 100,000.”

“I wasn’t counting.”

“How many babies must have been in the womb when their mothers were killed?”

“We didn’t keep records, they were from a wicked nation, they had no rights.”

“So after the traumatised children had watched their mothers and brothers being massacred, they were handed over to their killers as a reward; what do you think happened to them?”

“Our soldiers were righteous men with God on their side, they would have taken care of them.”

 

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