Monthly Archives: March 2016

Easter

So here we are again; the annual Easter choc-fest-pig-out. All in celebration of the saviour rising from the dead. Now I’ve read the crucifixion yarn many times, and as crucifixions go, Jesus sure had a strange one.
Crucifixion was a Roman punishment, and it was designed to humiliate the victims and make their suffering go on as long as possible. It served as a warning against rebellion and normally took two or three days for the victim to die. If one lingered too long, death could be hastened by an act of mercy: the breaking of the legs with a hammer. The victim no longer able to support his body, would find his head sink into his chest and would suffocate as breathing became impossible.
The crucifixion itself took place on the eve of the Sabbath; the day of preparation. The law forbade any Jew to handle a body on the Sabbath.
The gospel of Mark informs us: they crucified him on the third hour, and he gave up the ghost, on the ninth hour. Matthew describes what happened when he gave up the ghost. “And behold the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom, and the earth did quake and the rocks rent.” Imagine the scent as Matthew goes on.. “and the graves were opened, and many bodies of the saints which slept arose. And many came out of their graves after his resurrection and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.” Just like a scene from Shaun of the dead.
The gospels also tell of someone producing a sponge, and of Jesus drinking from it through a reed: after which, he gave up the ghost.
John explains, that because of the preparation for the Sabbath, the Jews besought Pilate for the legs of those on the cross to be broken, so that they could be taken away. He goes on .. ” then came the soldiers and brake the legs of the first, then the other which were crucified with him. But when they came to Jesus and saw he was dead already, they brake not his legs, but, one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came out blood and water.”
So, there we have it, all done and dusted in a mere six hours: they’ve knocked at least forty hours off the average crucifixion. Afterwards, Joseph of Arimathea; who is a wealthy disciple of Jesus, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus, and Pilate gave him leave to do so.
Surely what we have here, is not a description of Jesus dying on the cross: but him surviving the cross. Why did Jesus; a fit healthy man, give up the ghost so soon? The Zealots on either side of him, were understandably still alive: hence the leg-breaking.
Why didn’t the soldiers follow their orders and break the legs of those on the cross?
Could they tell just by looking up at him that he was dead? Did anyone climb up there and check his pulse or his heartbeat? Doesn’t the fact that Jesus bled profusely when pierced in the side, indicate that his heart was beating and pumping, and that he was still alive?
The only person who would have known, was Joseph of Arimathea, when he removed him and carried him to his private tomb. We are later told that Joseph arrives in the night accompanied by Nicodemus; bringing with them a mixture of myrr and aloes: both of which have healing properties.
On the first day of the week, all of the gospels tell us that the mysterious Mary Magdalene and others come to the sepulchre and find – surprise- surprise: Jesus isn’t there – only a couple of angels sharing a spliff.
But Matthew goes one better: “behold there was a great earthquake, for the angel of the Lord had descended from heaven, and rolled the stone from the door and sat on it.” You must admit; the guy is a bit of a drama queen.
Now when news got out that the blasphemer and rebel, was missing, there would have been an uproar, wouldn’t there? Why wasn’t Joseph of Arimathea  dragged in for questioning, after all, he was the last to be seen with Jesus. The baying mob would have thought there was some conspiracy afoot. They would have had search parties out looking for him; because they certainly didn’t believe that he was the son of God and had risen again.
Then we come to the main event of the whole Jesus story: his ascension to heaven – the thing that has kept him going all along. This surely would have been a wondrous occasion: with the earth quaking and thunder and lightning and a host of angels blowing trumpets. But alas, none of the gospels seem brave enough to describe it – he had just gone, now you see him, now you don’t. But we shouldn’t be too surprised, because the fact is you see: they didn’t write any of it down at the time. The gospels were written many decades after Jesus died. We don’t have any originals; all we have are second or third hand copies: written – edited – fabricated, one hundred years after the event.
Happy Easter – enjoy your chocolate eggs.

 

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God on a chat show (8)

“Okay let’s get our final guest on,” announces Johnny. “And he really needs no introduction, he’s the man with the plan, the one and only: God.”
The big man wanders in and takes his seat on the large sofa, as close as he can to Jezebel.
“I’m sorry we kept you waiting, but our other guests had so much to say,” she tells him.
“Think nothing of it,” he says, “time – as you know it, doesn’t exist for me, I’ve always been around – I always will be.”
“We’ve got your book here, we’ve been discussing it with our earlier guests – and I must say, it is just a bit controversial.”
“Are you happy with it?” interrupts Johnny. “Is the creation story in Genesis the way you told it to them?”
“Yes, I whispered it to Moses, and I do know that he has a vivid imagination, but he’s more or less got it right,” insisted God.
“So obviously you are a great scientist and nuclear physicist?”
“Indeed, the greatest.”
“You created all of the planets and stars, all of the galaxies, not forgetting the laws of physics and the laws of gravity?”
“I created everything that exists everywhere young man.”
“Well the thing is, and I know I’m being a bit picky here: but Moses says that you had completed all of the building work, and planted all of the plants, by the end of the third day.”
God nods his head. “Yes, I didn’t hang around; what’s your point?”
“Well God, it’s all down to nuclear physics: the only light in the universe is provided by stars. Stars also control gravity: but you didn’t make any until the end of the fourth day. So there wouldn’t be any light to allow the plants to grow; and there wouldn’t be any Sun to provide gravity to hold the Earth in place. No stars equal no planet and no life. That’s very dodgy science.”
“They didn’t need science,” God replies, shaking his head: “they had me.”
“The first line in this old book should really say: In the beginning, God created the stars – but it doesn’t,” pointed out Jezebel. “We shouldn’t be too hard on the illiterate tribesmen, they didn’t know any better: but when they invented their god, they also gave him a primitive mind to match their own.”
“How dare you,” said God, raising his voice, “I could send you to hell if you’re not careful.”
Johnny had a question: “Didn’t you mind Moses slaughtering tens of thousands of little Midian boys along with their mothers and older sisters?”
“I don’t know what are you talking about?”
“But you must have known,” insisted Jezebel,” you can read everyones minds simultaneously, can’t you. You must have known what Moses was up to.”
“I think I must have been away on holiday at the time; probably over on my Andromeda galaxy: it’s almost two and a half million light years away you know! I do have other planets to run and people to look after.
“No doubt you have your favourites over there as well, tribes without foreskins,” said Johnny sarcastically.
“Watch your mouth son. I have ways of dealing with the likes of you,” warned God.
“It seems to me that you are a bit of a hypocrite, God. We have Moses claiming that you told him to have a man – who was merely gathering sticks on the Sabbath, stoned to death. Yet King David committed adultery repeatedly with Bathsheba; got her pregnant, and then had her husband killed.”
“This is news to me, I’m not sure if I believe you.”
“It’s all there in second Samuel; chapter 11. I mean to say – do you think that King David really believed in you at all? He certainly had no respect for you or your laws. Perhaps like many others, he claimed to act on your authority, merely in order to justify his power.”
God stands up: “I don’t have to sit here and listen to your ox-shit any longer; I’m going – you can’t stop me.”
“Go on then God – go, of course we can’t stop you: you don’t exist. You are a mythical creature, a figment of the imagination who has been kept alive down the centuries by power-mad rulers – claiming to act in your name,” shouted Jezebel. “Go now, and leave mankind alone to try and work together for a peaceful future: you are irrelevant.”
“Wow, you really went off on one there, you were actually quite rude to our guest,” said Johnny; watching the old guy’s back disappear.
“Well, I can’t stand hypocrites – by the way who have we got on the show next week?”
“Let’s see: we’ve got a man who claims he taught his dog how to play poker. A corporate boss, who says his Search Engine company pays too much tax, and a magician who can turn water into wine.”
“Should be good.”

 

Killing for God

Allah told me to do it: The words of Gulchekhra Bobokulova the Russian nanny who beheaded the four year old child in her care. She walked the streets carrying it for over an hour. Officials state the obvious in saying she is mentally unstable.

Deanna Laney woke up one night in May 2003 and took her son Joshua out into the yard and smashed his head in with a large rock. She did the same to other son Luke. Laney is a member of an Assembly of God church. She claimed God told her to do it. She was found to be psychotically delusional and was found not guilty of murder due to reason of insanity. She was committed to State Hospital for eight years and then released in 2012 under medical supervision.

In 2012 Joseph Hangeman cut off his son’s head because God told him to in order to save him from the anti-Christ. He was diagnosed as Schizophrenic and found not guilty due to insanity. He remains in custody under review.

In 2080 BC: A man called Abraham was witnessed taking his son Isaac and placing him on an alter of sticks to be sacrificed. He was about to stab him and burn him when a voice inside his head told him to wait. He saw a ram nearby and killed it instead. He claimed God had told him to kill his son. He also claimed a voice in his head told him to mutilate his own foreskin in a covenant with God.
However since he lived in fantastic times no charges were brought against him: Schizophrenia wasn’t a diagnosis in those days.
His cult grew to worship him.
Five hundred years later Moses had God’s permission to murder 100,000 innocent women and children: his cult worshipped him. There still was no diagnosis of Schizophrenia in his day.