The Alternative Chilcot Report

At last, we have it :after seven years, over two and a half million words have been written at a cost of ten million pounds; and Chilcot has finally delivered. Only to tell us what we already knew. George had decided and no way was Tony going to be left out. No need for the U.N. They had the dodgy dossier. And when it all went tits-up, blame it on the intelligence services. It was all as if they were part of some separate organisation, not part of Government – a bit like saying, I didn’t steal the money, it was my right hand – I didn’t know what it was doing. Yes, the intelligence services were happy to take a bullet for the team.
If you knew what I know, Blair assured his doubting MP’s, while twisting their arms up their backs and shouting – I’ve got a special relationship you know. Meanwhile Iain Duncan Smith was screaming from the opposition benches, just stop pissing about with the U.N. and back the Americans, if we don’t jump on the bandwagon now we’ll be too late to share in the spoils from rebuilding the place after we blow it up.
So what was Blair’s reaction to the report? Simply to say he did the right thing – and he’d do it all again if George was up for it. He is convinced that they were right to remove Saddam – as he puts it – as if they had simply bought him a plane ticket and told him not to come back. Conveniently ignoring the fact that 179 British soldiers had died, along with hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians, but who’s counting Tony?
Night after night on the news, politicians had queued up to repeat the mantra – Saddam must give up his WMD’s, or face the consequences: which of course was impossible; you can’t give up what you don’t have. Baghdad is lit up like a Christmas-tree, the Sun’s triumphant headline joyfully proclaimed at the time.
It wasn’t long before we were treated to the sight of Muslims being paraded on the news wearing orange boiler-suits, and chained and hooded. Stories soon emerged of torture at Abu Ghraib prison along with rendition-flights, not forgetting incarceration at Guantanamo Bay, with no trials and no evidence. And all of this leaves us wondering: what has radicalised these fucking Muslims?
But we really shouldn’t be too hard on Tony, after all, as he carefully explained at the time on the Michael Parkinson show: when you have a Christian faith, and a decision must be taken, then it’s God’s judgement as well. There we have it: God, who can read all of our minds simultaneously, must have thought that Saddam had WMD’s as well. We can blame him, or as usual use him as justification.
That’s it: the alternative Chilcot Report. Written in four hundred and seventy six words, and completed in forty five minutes – the same time as it would have taken Saddam to launch his missiles.


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