Category Archives: Chat show

God on a chat show (8)

“Okay let’s get our final guest on,” announces Johnny. “And he really needs no introduction, he’s the man with the plan, the one and only: God.”
The big man wanders in and takes his seat on the large sofa, as close as he can to Jezebel.
“I’m sorry we kept you waiting, but our other guests had so much to say,” she tells him.
“Think nothing of it,” he says, “time – as you know it, doesn’t exist for me, I’ve always been around – I always will be.”
“We’ve got your book here, we’ve been discussing it with our earlier guests – and I must say, it is just a bit controversial.”
“Are you happy with it?” interrupts Johnny. “Is the creation story in Genesis the way you told it to them?”
“Yes, I whispered it to Moses, and I do know that he has a vivid imagination, but he’s more or less got it right,” insisted God.
“So obviously you are a great scientist and nuclear physicist?”
“Indeed, the greatest.”
“You created all of the planets and stars, all of the galaxies, not forgetting the laws of physics and the laws of gravity?”
“I created everything that exists everywhere young man.”
“Well the thing is, and I know I’m being a bit picky here: but Moses says that you had completed all of the building work, and planted all of the plants, by the end of the third day.”
God nods his head. “Yes, I didn’t hang around; what’s your point?”
“Well God, it’s all down to nuclear physics: the only light in the universe is provided by stars. Stars also control gravity: but you didn’t make any until the end of the fourth day. So there wouldn’t be any light to allow the plants to grow; and there wouldn’t be any Sun to provide gravity to hold the Earth in place. No stars equal no planet and no life. That’s very dodgy science.”
“They didn’t need science,” God replies, shaking his head: “they had me.”
“The first line in this old book should really say: In the beginning, God created the stars – but it doesn’t,” pointed out Jezebel. “We shouldn’t be too hard on the illiterate tribesmen, they didn’t know any better: but when they invented their god, they also gave him a primitive mind to match their own.”
“How dare you,” said God, raising his voice, “I could send you to hell if you’re not careful.”
Johnny had a question: “Didn’t you mind Moses slaughtering tens of thousands of little Midian boys along with their mothers and older sisters?”
“I don’t know what are you talking about?”
“But you must have known,” insisted Jezebel,” you can read everyones minds simultaneously, can’t you. You must have known what Moses was up to.”
“I think I must have been away on holiday at the time; probably over on my Andromeda galaxy: it’s almost two and a half million light years away you know! I do have other planets to run and people to look after.
“No doubt you have your favourites over there as well, tribes without foreskins,” said Johnny sarcastically.
“Watch your mouth son. I have ways of dealing with the likes of you,” warned God.
“It seems to me that you are a bit of a hypocrite, God. We have Moses claiming that you told him to have a man – who was merely gathering sticks on the Sabbath, stoned to death. Yet King David committed adultery repeatedly with Bathsheba; got her pregnant, and then had her husband killed.”
“This is news to me, I’m not sure if I believe you.”
“It’s all there in second Samuel; chapter 11. I mean to say – do you think that King David really believed in you at all? He certainly had no respect for you or your laws. Perhaps like many others, he claimed to act on your authority, merely in order to justify his power.”
God stands up: “I don’t have to sit here and listen to your ox-shit any longer; I’m going – you can’t stop me.”
“Go on then God – go, of course we can’t stop you: you don’t exist. You are a mythical creature, a figment of the imagination who has been kept alive down the centuries by power-mad rulers – claiming to act in your name,” shouted Jezebel. “Go now, and leave mankind alone to try and work together for a peaceful future: you are irrelevant.”
“Wow, you really went off on one there, you were actually quite rude to our guest,” said Johnny; watching the old guy’s back disappear.
“Well, I can’t stand hypocrites – by the way who have we got on the show next week?”
“Let’s see: we’ve got a man who claims he taught his dog how to play poker. A corporate boss, who says his Search Engine company pays too much tax, and a magician who can turn water into wine.”
“Should be good.”



God on a chat show (7)

“No offence Moses, but I think you need help,” said Jezebel, shaking her head. “What I can’t understand is why anyone believed you at all; I realise that people back then were superstitious, that they were looking for explanations about how we all got here; but they must have been a bit gullible to believe your stories about meeting a creator who spoke to you while hiding himself in a burning bush. Only you among the bible’s authors claim to have seen God – well his back, you claim to have spent forty nights alone with him; but there were no witnesses to any of this: it all happened inside your head.” Continue reading

God on a chat show (6)

“The tribe were partying and the Lord was incandescent with rage, in fact he was going to kill them all. I had to talk him out of it. I asked him what was the point of leading them out of the land of Egypt only to slay them – give them another chance.”
“Are you serious Moses,” asked Jezebel. “You gave God advice, and he listened to you?” Continue reading

God on a chat show (5)

“Did he now let you go?” enquired Johnny.

“In the morning there was a great cry throughout the land for there wasn’t a household where there was not one dead. Pharaoh sent for us and told us to pack up our things and go. God told us not to forget to collect the Egyptians jewels and gold before we left. Then he led us out of through the wilderness and out of the land of Egypt.”

“What! you saw him then?” Continue reading

God on a chat show (3)

So, what did you think of that Jez?” Johnny asked his wife.

Like he said, he was hearing voices; he was even willing to kill his own son. Do you think he was maybe schizophrenic,” she replied.

Well he seems to have all the symptoms – failure to distinguish what’s real, false beliefs and hallucinations,” said Johnny. “Anyway, let’s get our next guest out.”

Moses shuffles into the studio and sits down on the sofa next Jezebel. “Who is that guy in the green room? He sure likes the sound of his own voice – and man, he thinks he’s god’s gift to women.” Continue reading

God on a chat show (2)

What became of Lot and his daughters?”

They made their way to the hills and dwelt in a cave.” (Abraham looks nervously over at God in the green room and mumbles something).

Speak up Abe, it’s okay, he can’t hear you,” says Johnny.

Well, the story goes that his daughters made him drink wine, got him so pissed that he didn’t know what he was doing, and lay with him and took his seed; the elder one night and the younger the next.” Continue reading