Category Archives: Politics

The Alternative Chilcot Report

At last, we have it :after seven years, over two and a half million words have been written at a cost of ten million pounds; and Chilcot has finally delivered. Only to tell us what we already knew. George had decided and no way was Tony going to be left out. No need for the U.N. They had the dodgy dossier. And when it all went tits-up, blame it on the intelligence services. It was all as if they were part of some separate organisation, not part of Government – a bit like saying, I didn’t steal the money, it was my right hand – I didn’t know what it was doing. Yes, the intelligence services were happy to take a bullet for the team.
If you knew what I know, Blair assured his doubting MP’s, while twisting their arms up their backs and shouting – I’ve got a special relationship you know. Meanwhile Iain Duncan Smith was screaming from the opposition benches, just stop pissing about with the U.N. and back the Americans, if we don’t jump on the bandwagon now we’ll be too late to share in the spoils from rebuilding the place after we blow it up.
So what was Blair’s reaction to the report? Simply to say he did the right thing – and he’d do it all again if George was up for it. He is convinced that they were right to remove Saddam – as he puts it – as if they had simply bought him a plane ticket and told him not to come back. Conveniently ignoring the fact that 179 British soldiers had died, along with hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians, but who’s counting Tony?
Night after night on the news, politicians had queued up to repeat the mantra – Saddam must give up his WMD’s, or face the consequences: which of course was impossible; you can’t give up what you don’t have. Baghdad is lit up like a Christmas-tree, the Sun’s triumphant headline joyfully proclaimed at the time.
It wasn’t long before we were treated to the sight of Muslims being paraded on the news wearing orange boiler-suits, and chained and hooded. Stories soon emerged of torture at Abu Ghraib prison along with rendition-flights, not forgetting incarceration at Guantanamo Bay, with no trials and no evidence. And all of this leaves us wondering: what has radicalised these fucking Muslims?
But we really shouldn’t be too hard on Tony, after all, as he carefully explained at the time on the Michael Parkinson show: when you have a Christian faith, and a decision must be taken, then it’s God’s judgement as well. There we have it: God, who can read all of our minds simultaneously, must have thought that Saddam had WMD’s as well. We can blame him, or as usual use him as justification.
That’s it: the alternative Chilcot Report. Written in four hundred and seventy six words, and completed in forty five minutes – the same time as it would have taken Saddam to launch his missiles.


British arms trade

Great news for the economy; British arms companies exports to Saudi Arabia have rocketed by 11,000 per cent in the last three months. We have sold £1billion worth of bombs to the ideological home of Isis. Thanks to us the Saudis can now bomb the Houthi rebels in Yemen much more efficiently in the unending Islamic civil war.  A government spokesman said, “our bombs are only sold to those who will drop them on nasty bastards.” (or something like that)
Meanwhile the shareholders must be rubbing their hands in glee.

War on grandmothers

Has David Cameron been taking advice from Donald Trump on how to alienate people?
He has identified a sinister threat to our way of life – Jihadi grannies. We shall all be able to sleep more soundly at night, knowing that soon any Muslim grandmother unable to get her head around the complexities of the English language, will be carried kicking and screaming onto a plane and parachuted back to whence she came.
This should really help to focus the mind of any grandsons struggling to come to terms with on-line radicalisation.

Saudi beheadings

Nice to see that our good friends in Saudi Arabia have done their bit for relieving tension in the Middle East by beheading Shia human rights protesters. Maybe the next time the Saudi monarchy pop into Buckingham Palace for tea with the Queen she can show them our displeasure by withdrawing the biscuits – that’s a bit harsh – maybe only the chocolate ones.

Donald Trump

Has Donald Trump thought it through? If he builds a great big wall along the Mexican border – how are the Americans going to get their drug fix? Doesn’t he know that the filthy rich of Wall Street can’t throw a party without a trough full of coke to get them in the mood – along with a bus-load of hookers? No self respecting host, from Manhattan to the Hollywood hills, would dream of organising a bash without a bag or two of the white stuff to go with the champagne. Perhaps he’ll get the CIA to take over the drug running operation – make sure the right folks get their share.

Isn’t it ironic that he thinks he can keep Americans safe by banning Muslims, “until we can figure what’s going on.” Well what’s going on Donald is that there have been over one thousand mass shootings in the last one thousand days – by people who believe that it is their constitutional right to bear arms. Does he think that the schools and bowling alleys and the cinemas are being stalked by Muslims with Kalashnikovs that they’ve just bought from the arms department of the local deli along with their falafels?

On the plus side – anyone who can make George W Bush seem like Einstein can’t be all bad – even if it means turning America into a state like 1930’s Nazi Germany.

Bomb Syria



Good news: we can expect the Chilcott report into the Iraq War to be published in a few months – all two million words of it. We’ll find out why it was such a big mistake to believe the lies of the establishment in their efforts to convince us that it was a good idea to bomb Bagdad. Maybe it will be published in time for Chicott to start on a new report which will suggest that it wasn’t such a good idea to carpet-bomb Syria after all.
Of course we all agree that Isis are barbaric medieval scum who would behead their own offspring if they didn’t bow down to their stone-age ideology. What are we waiting for? Let’s just bomb the bastards. Our great leader: the fearless Cameron; must be apopleptic to see that fucking great French poof, Hollande, stealing all the glory. Yes, let’s bomb them: they must be easy enough to find – surely they are all in a big field in the Syrian countryside, with a huge cross – marked bomb here.
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